May 7, 2010

Today is my birthday.   I took a vacation day, had breakfast out, went shopping, had a massage, got a slice of pizza.   It's rained all day, but we really need the rain.  I think I could have spent the entire day just gaping out the windows at the backyard.  I love how the spring greens are intensified by the grey overcast sky.  Bright sunshine washes out the green shades.  Right now I am watching a Canadian goose swim close to the land.  Wonder if he has figured out yet that I put corn out for the ducks.  He doesn't appear to be coming onshore.   I have seen the mallards eating the corn, but no geese.  The birds are all over - robins, cardinals, chickadees, grackles, doves, house finches, red-winged blackbirds.  There are about 7 great egrets on the lake. I've gotten some pictures from a distance.  When they come over to my side, I haven't been able to get a good shot. If I get the camera and run out, they would leave immediately.  There are also wood ducks.
There is a cardinal nest in the front yard, but I guess it has already been used.  I was excited when I found it.  I had heard the cardinals chirping and seen them flying back & forth.  I tried to unobtrusively put out food for them.  But the nest is empty.  I don't know if I scared them away or if they had already raised their brood. I had thought it was too early, but then looked them up and they can raise up to 3 broods a year, starting in March, and they don't reuse the nest. So I think I missed it.  Sigh. 

I had an odd experience this morning.  As I was waking up, I felt/saw my mom.   It was quite comforting, hard to explain.  I could sort of see her, but it was more of a feeling, and I think my dad and brother were there also, but more in the background. It was a very loving feeling.  I didn't realize until later in the day, that the visual impression I had was that she was much younger and looking like I remembered her as a child, rather than when I last saw  her.  Also looking larger/taller somehow and blurred/glowing around the edges.
Was it just a dream? Or imagination? Or was it a birthday gift?  I hope it was the latter.  I have been thinking so much recently about heaven, what it is like, and if it exists.  I feel so ashamed for having doubts.  I don't want to have doubts.  I read an article recently - Newsweek? I think? But online -   about science trying to determine what happens when we die or are dying.  The conclusion was that the experiences of a tunnel and glowing light, etc, are caused by the dying brain - a hallucination caused by brain chemicals, that can be recreated using some type of drug. That article really disturbed me.   I am trying so hard to have faith, and as I said, I feel tremendously ashamed when I do not have faith.  But heaven is such a hard concept to wrap my mind around.   How can it really exist?  What is it like?  How does it all work?  I have such a limited mental grasp and I filter it all through human experience.  I desperately want heaven to exist, but my mind gets caught up in questions.  Who goes to heaven?  Is it  just people? Or animals too? Or all living things? Why should humans go and not bacteria?  How can there be a place large enough to hold everything? How can everyone live happily together?  What happens if your spouse dies and you remarry? What happens when you're all in heaven?  I've heard that when you're in heaven, you don't car about such earthly things, but I can't imagine not having the people I love there.  And what is it like?  I would like it to be very much like it is on earth, but without the sadness and troubles.  Having a garden to work in, beautiful landscapes  but also would like to visit the stars and galaxies.  I would want to know everything about the universe.  I wish I knew.
 I wish I had more faith.  I try so hard to pray, and I feel that God has given me several instances in  my life of "proof" of God and life beyond- but am I just imagining it? I am scared because I think I am imagining it, and I am ashamed because if God has shown me and I still doubt- how awful is that?

April 25, 2010

Well, I certainly have not been consistent about making blog posts.   Began in January and now it is April.  I keep saying, "I want to write", but it doesn't appear that way.  I always have excuses- tired, too busy with work, will do it tomorrow, blah blah blah.  
My life is a mess and out of control.  However, somehow, I have managed to lose 14 lbs since the holidays. I actually seem to have gotten my relationship with food under control and now when I eat a lot I feel so yucky physically.   I still want to lose about 10 more pounds, but to have lost 14 is a huge step for me.  Now if I can just get into a regular exercise routine.
Today, there were 3 pelicans on the lake.  It was very cool to see them. I saw something REALLY BIG flying over and then suddenly there were 3 pelicans. Swimming in formation and they would all dive under at the same time.  I looked them up on the internet, natch, and learned that they fish communally in small groups, as they can chase the fish to each other, so that must have been what they were doing.Unfortunately I did not get a photo of them.   By the time I got the camera and got the bigger lens on, they had swum out of sight and I did not see them again the rest of the day, so they must not have stayed long on the lake.
I crawled out through the underbrush and perched on the oak tree at the lakeshore and got some distant shots of the wood ducks and the great egrets, but not as good as I would have hoped.

January 3, 2010

-18 air temperature this morning. Fauxpaux-ing cold!  It's a good day to crawl back under the covers, turn up the setting on the heated mattress pad and read.  My desk overlooks the backyard, where the snow is over two feet deep. I'm hoping to see the pileated woodpecker that has made an appearance at the suet feeder a couple of times.   Right now, nothing but starlings and blue jays.  The 4 squirrels will show up later.  I snarl as I slog out in the pre-dawn light with the bird feeders, but I do love seeing them.  Woke up about 1:30 am and the Christmas lights on the deck were on.  I did not turn them on last night and they weren't on when I went to bed.  The possibilities were all creepy - A) someone came onto my deck during the night and turned them on B) I walked outside in my sleep and turned them on or C) they just came on of their own accord.  Due to the near -20 temps, A and B seemed unlikely.  This morning I checked it and it does look like they somehow turned themselves on; the switch appears to be frozen in the on position. 
I live on a tiny lake and it looks beautiful with the snow covering it.  The afternoon sunlight in particular has a beautiful hue.  The last couple of nights, with the full moon and all the snow cover, the yard and lake look beautiful and eerie, like a snow kingdom out of a fairy tale.