Today is my birthday. I took a vacation day, had breakfast out, went shopping, had a massage, got a slice of pizza. It's rained all day, but we really need the rain. I think I could have spent the entire day just gaping out the windows at the backyard. I love how the spring greens are intensified by the grey overcast sky. Bright sunshine washes out the green shades. Right now I am watching a Canadian goose swim close to the land. Wonder if he has figured out yet that I put corn out for the ducks. He doesn't appear to be coming onshore. I have seen the mallards eating the corn, but no geese. The birds are all over - robins, cardinals, chickadees, grackles, doves, house finches, red-winged blackbirds. There are about 7 great egrets on the lake. I've gotten some pictures from a distance. When they come over to my side, I haven't been able to get a good shot. If I get the camera and run out, they would leave immediately. There are also wood ducks.
There is a cardinal nest in the front yard, but I guess it has already been used. I was excited when I found it. I had heard the cardinals chirping and seen them flying back & forth. I tried to unobtrusively put out food for them. But the nest is empty. I don't know if I scared them away or if they had already raised their brood. I had thought it was too early, but then looked them up and they can raise up to 3 broods a year, starting in March, and they don't reuse the nest. So I think I missed it. Sigh.
I had an odd experience this morning. As I was waking up, I felt/saw my mom. It was quite comforting, hard to explain. I could sort of see her, but it was more of a feeling, and I think my dad and brother were there also, but more in the background. It was a very loving feeling. I didn't realize until later in the day, that the visual impression I had was that she was much younger and looking like I remembered her as a child, rather than when I last saw her. Also looking larger/taller somehow and blurred/glowing around the edges.
Was it just a dream? Or imagination? Or was it a birthday gift? I hope it was the latter. I have been thinking so much recently about heaven, what it is like, and if it exists. I feel so ashamed for having doubts. I don't want to have doubts. I read an article recently - Newsweek? I think? But online - about science trying to determine what happens when we die or are dying. The conclusion was that the experiences of a tunnel and glowing light, etc, are caused by the dying brain - a hallucination caused by brain chemicals, that can be recreated using some type of drug. That article really disturbed me. I am trying so hard to have faith, and as I said, I feel tremendously ashamed when I do not have faith. But heaven is such a hard concept to wrap my mind around. How can it really exist? What is it like? How does it all work? I have such a limited mental grasp and I filter it all through human experience. I desperately want heaven to exist, but my mind gets caught up in questions. Who goes to heaven? Is it just people? Or animals too? Or all living things? Why should humans go and not bacteria? How can there be a place large enough to hold everything? How can everyone live happily together? What happens if your spouse dies and you remarry? What happens when you're all in heaven? I've heard that when you're in heaven, you don't car about such earthly things, but I can't imagine not having the people I love there. And what is it like? I would like it to be very much like it is on earth, but without the sadness and troubles. Having a garden to work in, beautiful landscapes but also would like to visit the stars and galaxies. I would want to know everything about the universe. I wish I knew.
I wish I had more faith. I try so hard to pray, and I feel that God has given me several instances in my life of "proof" of God and life beyond- but am I just imagining it? I am scared because I think I am imagining it, and I am ashamed because if God has shown me and I still doubt- how awful is that?
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