January 3, 2012

Well, hey hey look who managed to write two days in a row.  Back to work today and it was a hectic day.  Lots of problems and  a lot I have to get done in the next couple of weeks.  I remember how I used to work 12 hour days a few years ago- I don't have that energy any more.  Old age? Out of shape? or my low hemoglobin?  I thought I could do something good by becoming a regular blood donor and it's made my hemoglobin too low to donate.  I've tried taking iron supplements but it hasn't helped. Looking online, I saw that if you take acid blockers - which I do - then that can keep the iron from being absorbed. However without them, then I have heartburn. I should go to my doctor and sort this out but it is hard to do because I feel so fat and out of control.  Last year I managed to lose 20 lbs and I've gained it all back.  Sigh.  Emotional eater and life just seems more and more stressful.  I present a calm face to the world for the most part, and then cry driving to work or in the middle of the night.  WTF?  Why does the screen keep freezing up?  What kind of blog site is this where I can't type at a normal rate of speed? 
Feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  Worry about work.  Guilt about my family, my parents, my lack of capacity for intimate relationships.  WTF is wrong with this screen?  Keeps freezing.  Being introverted. Worry about relationship.   Lots of crap inside and hopefully I can get it out this year.

January 2, 2012

January Moon

The moon is full on January 30, 1999.
It rose early, about 5:30 pm, behind our house, almost directly in the north sky.  It is very white and the cloudless sky glows a deep twilight blue behind it.  Almsot the same shade of blue as the sky on my holiday snowman placemats.  Bare branches are silhouetted directly in front of it with the softer shapes of evergreens to the right.  To the west, the sun is already down, pink and peach sky reflecting up to paler blue, streaked with mauve stripes and ending in a darker purple cloudbank.  One evening star shines above and a line of Canada geese fly past with mournful cries. 

Where is the woman who wrote that? Is she still inside me at all?  I was living in Ashburn Virginia when I wrote that and I was only working part-time.   How many things have changed in 13 years and where do I fit into it all?

I feel I am struggling with many things but also succeeding in some areas.  There is so much I want to do and I feel the weight of the years pressing down on me.  I don't run around as I did in my 30's anymore.  I wish I had the energy I used to have.  But most of all, I want to find my voice.  

It snowed a little on New Year's Eve.   So far the winter has been quite mild.  It will be cold for a few days, like the last couple- with bitter wind, but then it warms up again and the snow melts, which is very odd. This was the first brown Christmas I can remember in a long time.   I certainly don't miss driving in the snow. The daily commute is much less of a hassle without the ice and snow.  It is supposed to warm up again in a couple of days and so the snow should melt again.
I'm hoping I can get up early on Wednesday morning to see the meteor shower (Quadrantids?)  It's supposed to be a good show this year.